The Secret to Lasting Relationships? Curiosity.

It never ceases to amaze me when students tell me my negotiation teachings have positively influenced their romantic relationships. I’m definitely not a marriage counselor or a therapist, but their feedback is a great reminder that negotiation truly touches every part of our lives. I’m grateful for the opportunity to support my students both academically and personally.   

So, why do negotiation skills seem to help so much in relationships? I believe the transformative power of these strategies in relationships stems from something more fundamental: curiosity. When you approach your partner with genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings, the way for better understanding, deeper communication, and, ultimately, a stronger connection is paved.

What you see isn’t what you get

Human beings are designed to observe. This predisposition to maintaining awareness of others’ behavior can affect the people you care about deeply. When you’re in a relationship, you watch your partner do everything from driving to getting ready for the day, disciplining your kids, to where they leave their shoes on the floor. Becoming fixated on what that person does and how they do it can be a natural outcome of this closeness.

Maybe the scattered shoes don’t bother you, or maybe their driving skills (or lack thereof) aren’t of consequence. Either way, your focus is on what’s happening in front of you, reacting to the behavior itself, rather than considering the motivation.

Those perceptions can be deceiving. Simply noticing what someone does can help you learn about them but doesn’t always answer the question of why they do what they do. Perhaps your partner felt overly controlled growing up, and not putting their shoes in their proper place is a small demonstration of a need to break free from the past. Or maybe they drive below the speed limit because they were once in a high-speed car accident that left a lasting, albeit invisible, mark. As you interact with and observe your partner, remembering to ask why can have a positive impact on your relationship. 

Comfort kills curiosity

If you’ve been together for any length of time, a lived-in comfort naturally forms between you and your partner. Since you know them so well, you might be inclined to assume you already understand why they do what they do. The longer you know someone, the less curious you may be about them. You may not even consider there’s a reasonable explanation for their behaviors, or you may take their actions as a lack of respect for you when that’s not the case. Long-term familiarity and shared experiences can be valuable but aren't a replacement for curiosity.

Everyone learns, grows, and changes with time, and their actions and motivations evolve, too. Pushing your assumptions aside and being inquisitive with your partner can help you prevent misunderstandings and squabbles before they start. Small resentments add up to insurmountable disagreements. It’s death by a thousand cuts. 

There are many ways to kill a relationship, but a lack of curiosity for each other is one that can often be overlooked. If you aren’t interested and instead fill in the blanks for your partner, they might not feel they have the opportunity to share. When understanding is missing, conflict is sure to follow.

Think about it—how many disagreements could have been avoided if you just asked and listened rather than immediately getting angry?

Get curious to stay open

Choosing curiosity over conclusions can be relationship changing. When you start to ask why, you not only understand your partner better, but you might also learn something that completely changes your appreciation for them. This has the power to open a whole new world of communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy you may have lacked before.

In Bring Yourself, I discussed a study by the University of Rochester that assessed the importance of curiosity in personal relationships. The study paired up strangers and found that the more accessible a person was, the better they connected with others. Participants who were open learned more about the person they were paired with and felt closer to them when the experiment concluded. Even though this was a study of strangers, the same conclusions can be drawn about close relationships.

You may struggle to stay curious about the people you hold most dear, even though these are the relationships most deserving of your curiosity. Staying open can help you understand someone else better and build stronger bonds.

Curiosity is always a choice, one that probably impacts more aspects of your life than you realize. An open mind paired with an open heart might just be the answer.