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Exposure to a perspective different from your own isn’t always comfortable, but it can be valuable. Taking the time to understand someone else’s point of view can help you grow as a negotiator. Of course, this kind of civil behavior is easy to agree with when you’re outside of a conflict. When you’re actually in the situation, this measured approach isn’t always how you react to a difference in opinion.
Whether you disagree with the people you work with or live with, complete and total consensus on every topic is impossible. Every relationship has the potential for discord, and conflict is a natural part of interacting with others. How you choose to navigate disagreement is what makes the difference.
Leaving room for differing or opposing thoughts without judgment or dismissal is ideal but not always realistic. Difficulty accepting or appreciating someone else's perspective on something is a common experience—no one is immune. Regardless of how open you are, when you’re discussing a topic you’re passionate about, the conversation can easily become emotional, or even heated.
The knot of conflict
When you think about the mechanics of a conflict, picture each person pulling on opposite ends of a knotted rope. The more intense an exchange becomes, the more forcefully you tug at your rope. The harder you pull, the more difficult untangling it and straightening the rope can be.
When you’re in the middle of a disagreement, negativity might be your natural reaction, but allowing your ego to take over can quickly heighten discord. You might feel like you’d rather be right, regardless of the consequences. In this case, finding the courage to pull away, even for a moment, is rarely simple. But the fallout from a conflict can be costly, even permanent. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. There is an alternative.
Going to the balcony
These are the moments when you need to “go to the balcony” rather than elevating what may be a small difference to a full-blown argument. Negotiation expert William Ury introduced this concept of taking a step back from a conflict to achieve a different outlook and gain emotional composure, allowing you to observe a situation more objectively. Metaphorically going to the balcony before responding or making decisions can help you mentally distance yourself and gain perspective.
You can manage your reactions and focus on the bigger picture during a tense negotiation. This works well when emotions run high, giving you the opportunity to calm down, disarm your opponent, and regain control before responding.
Going to the balcony can take different forms. You can simply take a deep breath or a short pause in the conversation, ask for a break, or even physically move to a different space to gather your thoughts. The trick is knowing when to step back. Whatever method you choose, you need to know your triggers and notice when you're feeling overwhelmed or reactive. Only then will you have the awareness to go to the balcony, step outside of yourself for a few minutes, and then return to the conversation without becoming combative.
This technique is more successful when you start saying less, listening more, considering more deeply, and digesting what the other person is saying. When they speak, they’re not only giving you information about what they believe but also how they may respond to your opinion.
The conflict inside
The choice to step back and collect your thoughts begins with an internal conversation, a decision on whether you want to escalate or de-escalate the situation. Don’t let your ego or emotions override your rational self—stepping back is almost always the better choice. Ryan Holiday’s book, Ego Is the Enemy, explores this idea in depth. He argues that true learning and listening require humility, allowing you to momentarily step back as an observer rather than doubling down on your own viewpoint.
Visceral reactions are often the wrong ones, so it’s up to you to decide how you want to handle conflict. You can allow your emotions to rule you, tugging and pulling until all your relationships end up in one big knot. Or you can choose not to escalate your disagreements past the point of no return.
The latter option requires a level of self-awareness and control that can be the work of a lifetime, but going to the balcony and gaining a new perspective helps you navigate conflict without losing yourself in its consequences.